Whenever I come to a fork in the road, you can bet it's gonna be good for at least ten pounds.

Life is a complication that inevitably leads to death.

Observation: The summer sun is hot. My refrigerator is a cold welcoming place.

Isn't it funny how something can be so obvious when someone points it out?

Well...it finally happened, the other shoe dropped. And it had dog poop all over it!

Surprisingly, the root of all evil, mixed with a lovely caper sauce, makes a zesty garnish for just about any fish.

After spending a summer in the wilds of old Quebec, I have a new appreciation for nuts and berries.

I upgraded the hand basket I send things to hell in. I find I can fit much more in a hand-crocheted rag basket.

I bought a subliminal tape to play while I sleep. It's a comprehensive workshop in effective snoring.

If you go to the gas station and pay seventy-five cents to start up that air machine that puts air in your tires, and it takes three minutes to check the pressure for each tire, why does it shut off after nine minutes? Hey, what's up with that?

I recorded the sound of my dentist's drill. I play it for unwanted visitors.

I have a bad habit of sweating the details. It takes really big pores.

They say that thoughts become thingys. I'm going to start ignoring my thoughts and maybe some of these thingys will go away.

When God created us, he had LoJack installed. That's how he always knows where we are.

I used to think a Thesaurus was a prehistoric beast, that is until I thought of another word for it.

Resist the temptation to turn God into a divine bellboy.

I've recently noticed that my breasts have lowered themselves several inches down my chest in an attempt to escape the chore of attracting men.

I took a couple of self-defense courses at Pepperdine. Now all I have to do is provoke someone so I can try out my skills.

I hate it when Hummers park in compact spots. My car fits perfectly in the tire treads.