After hiring a skip tracer and a private investigator, I finally found out who moved my cheese. They are awaiting trial in Pookipsie.

If marriage licenses were subject to renewal, people would act a lot differently...or not.

If I had only frolicked less when I was in school, I'd be much smarter than I am.

I have been diagnosed with ADD, SAD, GAD, DVT and OCD. Geesh! I'm an acronymphomaniac!

When you leave the house and realize that you forgot to lock the door, do you ever imagine strange people may have wandered into your living room and are having an orgy?

I know I'm guilty. Guilty of what, I don't know. Chances are it's pretty tacky.

I want to exercise, I really do, but what will I do with my inactive wear?

If my friends could see me now. To think, I'm earning a five figure income!

I'd drive my depression into remission, but I can't afford the gas.

Every Friday, my company hands out paychecks in an attempt to induce labor.

Most people don't realize that empty promises can be stuffed with roasted garlic and four Italian cheeses.

Last night, I had a dream that Liam Neeson came into my favorite restaurant and sat at the table next to mine. He acted like he didn't even know me. That really made me mad. Honestly, whose dream was it anyway?

I like to carry my, There is no I in Team, poster around with me at work to remind my employees that we are all one cooperative unit. I was reminded that there is no We in team either.

I have scoured the earth in search of my soulmate, Internet dating, dance classes, singles clubs and relationship seminars. Now that the earth is sparkly and clean, I'll go scour the sink.

Warning: Book signings can be a frightening experience for some readers. Next time, before I sit down at my little table, I will announce, "Attention readers, we have a local author with us today. We hope you will do your best to have brief eye contact with her as you enter the store. If you find yourself close enough to be at arm's length with the author, you may be offered a bookmark, in which case you may accept. Do not establish eye contact if you do not wish to communicate. If the author or her cohort talks to you, touches you, accosts or molests you in any way, please file a complaint with the store manager. Do not, under any circumstances, accept food items from a strange writer. After much research, we have found writers to be the main source of symptoms such as, rawness of throat, nausea, acute gastroenteritis, fever, giddiness, headache, delirium, severe stomach pains, weakness, slow breathing, sharp pains in the spine, coma and possibly death from respiratory arrest. We understand your reluctance to converse with writers. They are reported to be reclusive, miserable, deviant and possess many of the same traits as serial killers. We regret, as annoying as they are, that we must at times offer them an occasional day of recognition. After all, without them, you might ask yourself, WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING IN HERE?"

If I were me, I would do a bunch of things a whole lot differently.

C.O.W. = Can of Worms. Hence...don't have a cow.

Never walk down a flight of stairs with your hands in your pockets. The first time you trip, you'll know why.

I want to marry an undertaker. He's seen so many hideous things, nothing scares him anymore.

What was the point of the movie, Thelma and Louise? That women are bad drivers?

There are three rules for maintaining a happy marriage. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Opportunity knocked this morning...I answered the door, with bed-head and my ratty terrycloth robe. Wouldn't you know it?

The only ones who experience success by sitting around the house, are chickens.

I received an e-mail for breaking news this morning. It seems traffic deaths are up and DUI's are down. That means, we're killing each other stone-cold sober.

Have you noticed that babies rarely believe their diaper needs changing? They resist by crying, kicking their legs and squirming. I'm not sure we ever grow past that mind- set. Everyone around us certainly knows a change is needed...but we resist making it. Phew!

Going through menopause without hormones is like walking a tightrope without a net.

I'm trying to choose between two incredible investment opportunities...one is a drive-thru art gallery, and the other is a shampoo called, 'Brainwash'...decisions, decisions.

Earthquake preparedness tip: Always ask the technician where the emergency release button is- when getting a mammogram.

Another age problem to look forward to...make sure your underwear is clean at all times. Accidents may happen, even when you're not driving.

As we grow older, there are additional things to consider. Like, should I keep the house especially tidy in case I have a stroke and the paramedics show up?

I'm going to head up a vital training program in the facinating art of being rejected. Anyone interested in the Reject-me formula?

I named my book Mixed Nuts, so I could reside directly under Steve Martin at Amazon.com. I'm in heaven.

I bought some 'Spirit' perfume yesterday. Now I can have Antonio Banderas all over me. A dream come true.

I discovered at a very young age, if you lean over a stopped up sink, turn on the water and flip the switch to the disposal...the clog will shoot straight up into your hair.

I was sexually harrassed at work last week. I've been thinking about it for days and I'm still flattered.

There's a lot of concern about undocumented illegals sneaking across the border, but is anyone worried about the baby boomer women arriving at menopausal age? I'm not trying to be negative, but the population of menopausal women is expected to increase by another 3.5 million in the next decade. Men, take cover.

God never cuts anyone out of his will.

During a consultation with a plastic surgeon, I asked if he could give me a little button nose. He asked me what color thread I would be using.

Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead.

The moment you admit to having humility, you've lost it.

At my doctor's suggestion, I've been working out with Billy Blanks. Unfortunately, it has made me aware of a serious defect...I'm Tae Bo-Phobic.

President Bush is here visiting California. Now is my chance to tell him he needs a platitude adjustment.

Gravy Boats, Gravy Trains. Where have all the gravy planes gone?

Why do all accordianists include 'Lady of Spain' in their repertoire?

I recently had a treadmill test. I thought I was going to die. I asked the doctor why he had to run it so fast, he said it was set on low, for a sixty-five year old. A sixty- five year old what? Gazelle?

It's what is between the lines that we say so much.

I avoid keeping more than three items on my desk that can fit in my mouth.

My Grandpa gave me the wisest advice of all...avoid looking meek.

I visited a clinic to have my attitude adjusted. I'm happy to announce, I have been attitude-free for three days!

If a bear poops in the woods, and there's no one around, does it still smell?

Recently in Bangkok, a circus dwarf, bounced sideways from a trampoline and landed in a hippo's mouth. I can't decide which would be worse, being swallowed by a hippo or gagging on a circus dwarf.

My pastor sings Christian hymns and rousing gospel tunes on his Karaoke entertainment system. It's called Holyoke.

I put ex-husbands, ex-lovers, and ex-ercise in the same catagory. In the past.

My dentist and I have something in common. We both have deep pockets. Unfortunately, all mine are in my mouth.

A Public Service Announcement: Effective immediately, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off to lower costs and conserve electricity.

My doorbell plays Ravel's Bolero. In its entirety.

Placing a wet bar of soap at the top of a long flight of stairs is just rude.

When I write a murder mystery, I have my reference books, Deadly Doses, Murder and Mayhem, Death in Paradise and Scene of the Crime, laying on my kitchen table. I suppose that could be the reason friends decline my dinner invitations.

The phone rang. My bath was drawn. I realized it should have been lightly sketched.

I had a CT scan today. Funny, all that drawing on the right side of my brain showed up like a rash in a nudist colony.

You know you're mature when you don't direct a swift kick to the person bent over in front of you.

One by one, the members of my writing group bravely stood behind a microphone at a local book store to read the poems and short stories they had poured their hearts into. Employees of the store, with purple spikey hair, body piercings and threadbare jeans worn well below the equator, snickered behind our backs. Imagine. They thought we were silly.

I never put all my eggs in one basket. I use the handy egg holder in the refrigerator.

I attract visitors to my home by pasting twenty dollar bills in the windows facing the street.

After driving through Jack in the Box, I found I couldn't finish the four monster tacos I had ordered. I guess my window was bigger than my stomach.

I took some criticism at work for not wearing green in honor of St. Patrick's Day until I showed them the lime green gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

Lord, give me the strength to deflect the magnanimous amout of malice that can be hiding behind a friendly smile.

When I was a little girl, I got time out for being naughty. Now that I'm grown up, I get quarantined.

I took a personality pop quiz and found out that I am 89% happy.

I like to have my cake and...hey are you gonna eat that?

When getting my taxes prepared, I carry a good luck charm in my pocket...the navel fluff of a retired IRS auditor.

Computers crash for a reason. Usually it's connected with the devil or matters of personal hygiene.

Before I begin any meeting, I like to search the conference room for hidden agendas.

I received an e-mail offer for a training program that would teach my mind to act like a 'human computer' in only thirty days. What is my mind acting like now?

I always get a little self-conscious when I'm typing along in WORD and my little paper clip, office assistant begins to look bored.

My parents were terrified of getting a divorce. Neither one wanted to get stuck with the bar tab.

Life is painful enough without body piercing.

People complain too much about air pollution. I don't like to breathe anything I can't see.

My tried and true arch supports hover over McDonalds.

I hate it when my doctor prescribes a remedy that is far worse than the condition itself. Like, exercise.

Whenever I let someone else decide how I'm going to think or feel I touch the back of my neck. Sure enough, my inhibitor chip is burned out.

I moonlight as a crash diet dummy. Everything was going okay until I banked off a rack of baby back ribs and plunged into the side of a banana caramel bundt cake. Ouch! I'm still swollen.

Chasing after happiness is as futile as two bald men fighting over a comb.

No one ever told me that to make a small fortune, you have to start out with a large one.

If a hospital is in a 'quiet zone', why do they let the ambulance drivers blow their sirens?

To err is human, to forgive, rare.

I wonder what I did in my sleep last night? When I woke up this morning, it looked like my hair was styled with a bullwhip.

I don't suffer with mental illness...I rather enjoy it.

Money can't buy happiness-but then, a warm smile can't pay the phone bill.

I guess I'm not an intellectual. I still think of the Lone Ranger when I hear the 'William Tell Overture'.

They say 'fools rush in', but how can they be fools if the get all the best seats?

I can't stand people who say all things are possible. Have you ever tried snowboarding through a revolving door?

I found out there is a medical reason for my weight gain. I'm retaining pizza.

Speaking tip: Be honest, be humorous, be seated.

It's tax time again! The IRS wants how much? Daddy, make them give it back.

Ever since I've been on my low carb diet, I've been having nightmares. Last night, Mrs. Butterworth wrapped me up in a pancake blanket while Uncle Ben released Wild Rice on me.

I'm eternally grateful for my mother's early teachings, "The picture on the television gets really clear just before it blows up, always expect the worst so you'll never be disappointed and reality is very different from what's going on."

With years of intensive training, I have learned to imagine myself in every disastrous possibility. It never hurts to be prepared.

Just when I start to enjoy being a big fish in a little pond, inevitably someone hooks me and I get released into a bigger pond.

I've written an essay on the dejection, ennui, gloom, melancholia, sorrow and worry that accompanies aging. It's called 'A Million Little Creases'.

I bought a new pair of dancing shoes, they're Feng Shui-ed. Man, can those babies move around!

I've grabbed a lot of gusto in my life and have the scars and calluses to prove it.

Gossiping is the best game ever invented. Who can come up with the most details without knowing any of the facts?

I am most disturbed by the issue being pressed upon Judge Sam Alito, who is being considered for a seat on the Supreme Court. What is his position on a woman's right to shoes? I find this immensely offensive. Pumps, slingbacks, open toes, stillettos, we have a right to as many pairs of shoes as we want!

Safety Tip: Never fry bacon in the nude.

Things I hate: Driving with helium balloons in the car, food demonstrators in Supermarkets, people who stick their thumb nail into the apples in the produce department and bagpipes.

I was voted best looking without surgery at my high school reunion.

My mother taught me the social graces, "Drink like a lady, three at the most. Two under the table and one under the host.

Medical Insurance, Humbug! I didn't realize until I donned the hospital gown that I wasn't fully covered.

I wasn't born to lose. I had to diligently work at it.

Happiness is not cumulative. You have to grab it when it comes along.

I finished my Christmas shopping too early this year. I'm still going to the mall though, it wouldn't be Christmas without being pushed, shoved, stepped on and honked at.

I don't have to decorate this year. My neighbors are involved in a house decorating competition. It looks like Christmas threw up.

Sometimes wonderful ideas begin to expand like a luscious cake just beginning to rise...then someone goes and slams the oven door.

My mother drove for fifty years and never made a left hand turn. Do you have any idea how frightful it is being rushed to the hospital with a broken arm while making only right hand turns?

Do you ever suspect that a professional extortionist might be secretely listening in on your telephone conversations?

I suffer from Plutophobia, or finding out that being able to afford all the luxuries I've ever wanted is anticlimactic. I wonder if there is a medication for that?

I want to see a true to life Spider-man movie. You know, where M.J. nags him about leaving web trails all over the house and the kids toy with the notion of spraying Black Flag on his Cheerios.

I've gained five pounds over Thanksgivng week-end. I shouldn't have let them put whipped cream on my pumpkin pie.

I was sure I had enough votes of confidence, but they were actually hanging chads.

Who wants to be the sharpest tool in the shed anyway?

We don't change day by day- we change minute by minute.

Kids have way too many choices these days. When I was a kid, there were two choices...take it or leave it.

If you ever become too busy to laugh, you're way too busy.

Wishes do come true, but not all by themselves.

Faith makes things possible...not easy.

Writing tip: It's impossible to blow corn chowder out of a computer keyboard.

God is my partner, he steers my boat while I row. Sure, He'll let me steer when ever I want, but God won't row.

The first step to screwing something up is to make an assumption.

Love many, trust few and always paddle your own canoe.

The wages of sin are not minimum.

I found the perfect places to store my dead batteries…the flashlight, my cell phone and the biggest one just fits under the hood of my car.

The longest rut I ever lived in, was nestled snugly between a rock and a hard place.

I rarely make the same mistake twice. It usually takes at least a half dozen times for me to learn from it.

This morning I was browsing through Forbes list of the world's richest people. I wasn't on it, so I went to work.

I've noticed the fewer facts I have, the better my arguments.

It's surprising how many childless people know exactly how to raise the perfect child.

Do you ever feel like a gnat on the windshield of life?

The three biggest reasons I stay in California is December, January and February.

When I took my frozen dinner from the box, I noticed the box looked more appetizing.

The only time I get car sick is if I can't meet the monthly payment.

And to think, all this time I thought my gray hair was premature.

I was surprised at how much my lima bean, tater tot casserole had changed after being in the refrigerator for ten days.

You'll never see a telethon for the heartbreak of overindulgence.

What with all the plastic surgeons around, I'm becoming a rarity. I'm the only one in my social circle with wrinkles.

Please God, don't let me get a fruit cake this Christmas.

Holidays are approaching. Time to dust out the oven.

Who cares if six inch heels gives you bunions? What's important is that your ankles look slim.

There is a vast amount of undeveloped territory directly under my Clairol coif.

My hope is one day I'll be able to live up to my resume.

I've turned over a new leaf about taking care of my teeth. I brush, I floss, I visit the dentist regularly and I've cut way back on the wise cracks.

The secret of destroying any relationship is, never leave a thought unexpressed.

The only political jokes I know are the ones in office.

It's much easier to resist temptation when there are witnesses around.

I have a hundred-piece collection of the proper tools for creating a truly painful, meaningless and miserable life. I've decided to sell them on E-Bay.

Some disorders just don't mix. Binging is a classic symptom of Bulimia but if you develop Alzheimers, you'll forget to purge.

I can't hide it any longer. My fingertips are showing the telltale orange stains of a Cheetos addict.

I'm always happy when Halloween rolls around. My cobwebs are thought of as a creative decoration.

The corner gas station has a great idea. They're offering a free counseling session with every purchase of a tank of gas.

When faced with something that is referred to as 'a learning experience', it's best to get a good sturdy grip on your paddle.

You'd have thought someone would have told me by now that being a woman isn't for sissies.

I have a sticker of a cop on my rear view mirror and a sticker of a hippo on my refrigerator. This time, it's gonna work.

I had to trim down my fantasy of living 'happily ever after' when I realized I was after too much.

I was asked why I don't just go online to find someone to date...I still believe the odds are good, the goods are odd.

I remember back when I would worry that I would never find my soulmate. My mother would remind me, there's a wrench for every nut.

We must lose value as we age. Why else would we be offered a discount?

Sooner or later you grow into your hypochondria.

Around holiday time, the horn of plenty makes itself known, right behind you in bumper to bumper traffic.

Sometimes I have to delay doing something several times before it completely slips my mind.

Stephen King says good luck is just bad luck with its hair combed. If that's true, my bad luck comes with a perm.

I took the suggested steps to unleash the genius in me. I was recently notified that it was found wandering the streets with a bottle in one hand and an application for MENSA membership in the other.

I've been on a diet for months and the only thing growing slender is hope.

The key to success is sure hard to find. I have a whole ring of the keys to failure.

To save myself time, I cancelled my plan to rub out my ex...about 20 years to life.

As I was doing my fall closet cleaning, a self help tape fell from the top shelf; 'How to Overcome Procrastination'. It was still unopened.

The walls of my office serve as my resume. Dust, cob webs, a pencil portrait I rendered in 1982 and a spaghetti sauce stain leftover after protecting myself from an imaginary intruder.

Self esteem is no substitute for a healthy financial portfolio.

What with my trigger finger, hammer toes and heel spurs, I'm becoming an organic tool box.

Love may be blind, but hate certainly has 20/20 vision.

I used to wish for a knight in shining armor. I don't anymore 'cause I damn well know who'd get stuck polishing it once a week.

It's the most normal thing I know, to want to push someone you love in the path of a speeding truck.

When you're all wrapped up in yourself, you make a pretty small package. But don't they say that good things come in small packages? I'm confused.

I've had the wool pulled over my eyes so many times; I could knit a new winter wardrobe.

My life seems to have taken on a Forest Gump quality. As soon as I stopped pushing to make it better, it got that way when I wasn't looking.

After just one hot Yoga class, I realized I will have to hire a stunt double.

Have you noticed that the more unethical a person is, the harsher they judge others?

When I die, I want to come back as a dung beetle. That way, I'll know what to do with all this crap I have around me.

My therapist tells me I'm resisting the twenty-first century. I told him I enter everything like a tub of hot water. The toe goes in first and I don't sit down until I'm sure it's ouchless.

My road to enlightenment has been paved with many bad choices. I guess this could be considered off-roading.

It's easier for me to forgive my enemies once I've fantasized chasing them down the middle of a crowded boulevard in my car...oh yes, and without their clothes on.

I've heard that people can't be happy and mean at the same time. Some people ARE happy when they're being mean.

It's easy to tell when I have a screw loose; it's usually the one holding my tongue.

When I finally got the nerve to cast my fate to the wind, I was pulled over for littering.

My tedious calculations and flawless planning was finally covercome by dumb luck.

There is nothing more exhilarating than riding freely through the frontier of an open mind.

If I had my life to live over, I realize now that I would need a whole lot more money.

My creativity was dormant for so long, it took x-rays to find it.

No matter how many times I rearrange the furniture, Christmas will still roll around.

Did you ever notice that it's much easier letting the cat out of the bag than putting it back in?

My family tree suffered from Dutch Elm disease.

Point Blank: The point at which all thought leaves the brain's frontal lobe.

You know you've overdosed on homones if you wake up with the urge to take over a small country.

Scenarios, the breakfast cereal for writers.

If you're going to laugh in the face of death, it's best not to have garlic for lunch.

If I wanted someone else's opinion, I wouldn't ask for it anyway.

I got a tatoo of a liver spot on the back of my left hand, I'm saving up for the right.

Now that I've lost ten pounds, my car rattles.

Imaginary fears...wasted prayers.

This too shall pass, just like a big fat kidney stone.

I used to drive myself crazy. Now I prefer to be chauffeured.

They say God never closes one door before opening another. I'm always wondering where the draft is coming from.

My family swept so many things under the carpet, it turned into a relief map.

When life hands you lemons, cut them up and rub them on your hands. The juice will wipe out the smell of the onions it handed you last week.

Denial is silently moving from mountain to molehill without being detected.
Success is the ability to say grace before eating humble pie.

I'm a little short on the left side of my brain. The right side goes on for miles and miles.
I finally have enough friends to complete a full circle.

Don't think if it as procrastination, it's a 'time awareness disorder'. Just a T.A.D.

Most people's lives can turn on a dime. Mine turns on two nickles, I've never overcome the need for training wheels.

Negative thoughts may come uninvited but your don't have to entertain them with a seven course meal.

Relationships are a lot like the rodeo. Fun to watch but staying on the bull is a lot harder than it looks.

Flirting with death is one thing, but the lap dance was a bit much.

I went to a group meditation. I was told my aura has spots. Now I'm suffering from a horrible case of aura envy.

Never let the sun set on anger. That's good advice and I've tried to follow it but the days, weeks, months and years that it sat on pride, gluttony, envy, lust, greed and sloth is what did the most damage.

If you hide your light under a bushel too long, one of two things can happen. Either your light will be extinguished or the bushel will ignite...and we all know the story about the burning bushel.

Personal growth and self-discovery is like peeling back the layers of an onion...it's worthwhile but it always makes you cry.

I've ordered five weight loss and excercise videos in the last six months. So far I've lost a hundred forty two-dollars and twenty-seven cents.

My computer has crashed so many times, I finally had an airbag installed.

The next time you're thinking life is unfair...just remember, when the Shinola hits the fan it isn't always distributed evenly.

Keep your eyes on your own paper.

Drowning your sorrows is impossible. The bar stool is a floatation device.

I like to tear labels off pillows, mattresses and people.

It's hard to hide when you have gingivitis.

God plays checkers with our lives. Sometimes we get kinged, sometimes we get jumped.

If you think no one cares how you look, try making your own clothes.

The infinitesimal print at the bottom of your birth certificate says, 'Self Esteem Not Included '.
Keep moving, God can't drive a parked car.

So many of us have creative and often brilliant ways of sabotaging ourselves. So...
If Buddah could live on mud broth and bird droppings for six years then why do I complain about the coffee in the office lunch room?

I may have a solution that will put an end to the State deficit. Upon renewal, drivers should be weighed in public at the DMV and fined five dollars for each pound that exceeds the weight stated on their driver's license. This would mean we would have to shape up or fork over.

If you go down in a ball of flames, you'll at least blaze a trail for someone else.

It's difficult to choose a life you can't imagine.

You know those times when everything gets really quiet and the ringing in your ears gets really loud? It's then that you wish you were wearing your foil hat isn't it?

Remember...it takes the village to raise the idiot.

I hate housework. Even the Universe abhors a vacuum, why should I be any different?

At the end of the day, when I bust out of my control tops and head for the freezer to get my Jose Ole frozen dinner, I think... life is good.

Why didn't God put liver spots where they belong? Like on your liver!

The one who dies with the most wrinkles wins.

If you let your conscience be your guide, your guilt trip will be more enjoyable.

I didn't apply myself enough to get into the chorus line the way my mother wanted me to but I do extremely well in a chow line.

There are those who would be happy if you think what they think, do what they do, want what they want and have what they have. They forgot. God doesn't make copies.

Is free-floating anxiety airborne?

The truth shall set you free, immediately following denial, anger, bargaining, debilitating depression and finally acceptance. In other words, the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.

Sometimes I think back to the time when I was so impatient with my mother for needing help programming the speed dial on the phone, running the microwave oven or hooking up the portable dishwasher. I cringe with shame. This especially hits home when I'm asking my son, "How do I switch to DVD?" Or "What the heck is spyware?" And "Where did you say I should click?" Well, belly up to the toolbar girl, it's your turn in the barrel.

I found a company that will extract the carbon from your cremated remains and fashion an exquisite diamond. I guess that makes me a diamond in the rough.

Why don't they make a breakfast cereal that tastes like sausage and eggs?

You've already calculated how much your fine would be to the DMV, haven't you?

God is the wind beneath my wings but my friends are the pontoons for those particularly rough landings.

Friends don't let friends drive themselves crazy.

I come from a broken home but we stayed together out of habit.

I'm sure my husband and I would still be together had he not become a choking hazard.

I'm always surprised when something predictable happens.

My doctor says I am suffering from a dangerously low IQ. The perfect excuse to drink my way into Bolivia .

Some people take delight in uncovering your character defects. As if they are digging for buried treasure.

After stirring your imagination, don't forget to lick the spoon.

My doctor called to say he found something suspicious in my file. Imagine my relief when I discovered it was a returned check.

I've put off my excercise program until I become certified in Specialized knowledge and skills in walking.

Do you ever wonder what you were doing when you wake up from a sound sleep and your cat is staring at you?

Bar Code is a simple language spoken by bar flys.

When it comes to accomplishments, I can't stand people who blow their own nose.

I don't remember when I changed but I'm definitely sewing tame oats.

If you catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, you won't make it to a rainy day.

The only thing I grope for these days are words.

If you have sex in a rubber raft, is it safe?

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