Where most people take offense, I'm lucky to get away with one of the posts.

I blew a silent whistle and several mimes showed up at my door. Man, that's the last time I'll ever do that!

Actually, I was the first one to coin the phrase, 'plop, plop, fizz, fizz'.

I look absolutely stunning in corral, at least until the blowfish show up.

Don't you just love it when owners make their dogs balance a bit of food on their nose before giving them the signal that it's okay to wolf it down? I found this to be a great method of weight control for myself. Of course, it does seem to annoy restaurant managers.

I've just been admitted into the research institute for the outrageously cantankerous. Daily, I get three square meals and a round of stupid questions.