When I was young and stupid, my head was nothing more than a suggestion box.

I do stand-up at the local tanning salon.

I've been waking up in the wee hours with night terrors. I'm convinced that the hospital where I was born mistakenly gave me to the wrong parents. I wish they were alive so I could tell them.

I have an uncanny ability to read minds. Unfortunately, only negative thoughts come through.

Sometimes, when I travel by air, I imagine the crew has strapped on parachutes and bailed out.

Why do they make magnifying mirrors? Aren't we scary enough without exaggerating facial blemishes?