I only buy food items in containers that are difficult to open. It's just my little way of getting back at me.

I tried to be my own best friend, but it just didn't work out. We've already made plans to go our separate ways.

Even my mother's hardwood floor squeaked of martyrdom.

I had to prepare Christmas dinner this year. I was afraid I had forgotten how to cook. A friend reminded me that it's just like riding a bike, you never forget. My biggest fear was falling in the bushes with my chestnut-apple stuffing and gravy.

You know those action movies, where someone trips a booby trap and the huge door is closing and the hero just manages to slip under before it slams shut? Imagine the relief he must feel when he realizes he made it. That's what I feel when I'm not being reminded how many shopping days I have left before Christmas.

Every good cook knows you have to tie one on before you begin cooking...an apron, that is.

Enjoying the holiday season? Too bad. I like to start off with a good reason to brood. Like how rich people can walk into a store and buy anything...any silly thing...any crazy, impulsive, totally impractical thing...just because they feel like it...and they don't even ask how much it costs.

Enjoying the holiday season? How selfish of you. Poor people stand outside store windows with their nose pressed up against the glass, wondering if they will ever eat again. Now are you enjoying the holiday season?

First date tip: When he/she says, "tell me about your past, don't hold anything back." Be sure to change the subject.

I hate paying through the nose when there's hell to pay.

I am an expert lecturer in the subtle art of success-prevention strategies.

Beware of the dreaded, Auld Langxiety. That's that ugly feeling you have on New Year's day, when you can't remember what you did the night before.