Every stormy relationship ends the same darn way...in rain.

Oxygen plays a pivotal role in the proper functioning of living organisms.

Laughter reduces blood pressure, activates the imune system and has no negative side effects.

An alcoholic has more of this than anyone else...stamina.

Only a man would consider sex an emergency.

A friend of mine refers to happiness as joy bubbles. The closest I've come to that is scrubbing bubbles.

I was busy whipping up a batch of Jello pudding when my beaters bumped something. Lo and behold, it was the proof we've all heard about.

Never look in the mirror with your reading glasses on. As we get older, our crisp vision wilts for a very good reason.

I know what they say about dark clouds, but why am I always the one who gets tangled up in the silver lining?

When cooking up lies, make sure they are fully baked; all too often, lies are only half-baked. A well-done lie should spring back when lightly touched.

Another way to check your well-done lie, test to see if it holds water.

If you have ever experienced California weather, you know we only have one season...tax season.

Have you noticed that everyone who attends a high school reunion is spectacularly successful?

Know what's fun? Pop a paper bag behind someone who is pouring themselves a cup of hot coffee.

I ran my tongue around my mouth and found something gross. Don't you hate it when lies get stuck in your teeth?

I went slumming in the old neighborhood last night and picked up a couple of strays. Damn, those bullets smart!

I'm running a personal campaign to stamp out current events.

I've been told that in order to succeed you have to stand out in a crowd. Don't you believe it. I was pushed, stepped on, pinched, and some guy in front of me broke wind.

If it ain't clickable, I'm not buying.